November 27th, 2009

Dear Diary,

Life is pretty depressing at the moment. The reason why is because I finally had to admit to myself that I do like that guy that keeps tapping on my shoulder. Why did I have to? It's because it hurts so much when his attention is on another girl that it's impossible not to know that I can't not feel something for him.

Another reason life is depressing is because I have to deal with the fact that he probably won't ever pay attention to me again because someone butted into the situation. Bet you can't guess who... it was the ex of the other guy I liked, well still like a bit. She's no longer my friend.

She not being my friend is the third reason I'm depressed. I trusted her and she kept betraying it. I told her that the guy is confusing me, I wondered if he possibly liked me or something. What does she do? She goes and asks the guy why he's bugging me! I never said he was bugging me, I always said he was confused me. His answer... he's just likes fucking with people. They were right... ignorance really is bliss.

So I yelled at the girl on Wednesday saying "You promised you wouldn't butt in anymore! But you still did! I really don't think I can trust you anymore!" The she got all pissed off at me and acted like she hadn't done anything wrong, when she had, and when I refused to sit by her she got up and snapped "Fine! I'll move then!" Why should she be mad at me?!

So now I feel guilty because I yelled at her, even though she deserved it (other people even told me she did), but I don't think I should have to apologize since she's the one that wronged me. I already know that I can't trust her anymore, she lost that trust and can't get it back. I probably shouldn't have trusted her after she left out that stuff about her hooking the other girl up with her ex. Plus at one point she told me "I kinda change from year to year, but don't worry, I'm trustworthy this year." How can I trust that? I feel stupid for ever even giving her my trust in the first place.

I really want that guy to keep tapping on my shoulder... why I like someone like that is beyond me but I do. But I doubt he'll keep tapping on my shoulder after she interfered, he probably thinks I asked her to. I did catch him looking at me at one point though, so maybe I have a little hope. Highly doubtful, but maybe.

My mom throughly insulted me today while we were watching Dr. Phil. She asked if I thought she and my dad are too judgmental, total trap huh? Too bad I didn't see it. I said yes. She got offended and asked how. I said I didn't know, not wanting to push it, and that I just felt like they were a lot of the time. She persisted that they never denied me anything I truly wanted. Bull shit! I said that they denied me the right to date. She asked me if I'd ever been asked out, I haven't told them about anything during the school year so, holding back the urge to cry from the memory of the guy that was expelled, I said no but maybe I wanted to ask someone out. She said. "Have you ever had more than 15 to 20 dollars to your name?" Ouch... I have, I used that money to get my laptop and Ipod. I didn't respond besides "I don't want to talk about this anymore." All she said was "I'm just saying, pick your battles." She's the one that brought it up and got upset!

So that's all I got for the moment... so bye!

Sincerely,

Writingsmylife